My year has been guided by the word spaciousness.
I honestly knew it was what I wanted, but so much of me doubted it could really happen.
Life felt busy. My mind felt messy. My reality felt chaotic in the midst of a renovation and spaciousness felt one step too far removed from the here and now.
Yet, without a doubt, spaciousness was what I craved and the decisions I had made the year before enabled it to be delivered in a surprisingly generous way amidst the reality of life.
I have had room to think and observe as life has mesmorised me in its meandering trails. So much has come my way, very little of which I expected, and I’ve felt the space amongst it all to be an observer of my life rather than that way too common feeling, of being consumed by it.
Life has felt like it has been lived in slow motion rather than my historical gut wrenching fast forward. This slowing down has meant I’ve seen so much more of the precious things I used to miss and have gathered so many more of the clues that have lead me closer still to my true self.
I have had the chance to be more curious than ever before. To sit beneath the events of life and really get clear on how I feel about them. To use this grounding to not react or fix and get an appreciation for what truly reflects the real me and what reflects something I thought was the real me.
I have found the peace to hear my true voice and walk towards it, despite the contradictions and fears it has surfaced within me.
There has been air to savour. To really breathe deeply in a way that replenishes and allows the nervous system to settle.
There has been nature to marvel at and feel entwined with, to be mesmorised by and to draw inspiration and wisdom from.
There has been the opportunity to go deeper still, under the layers that I never knew existed, to get me closer and closer to my truest self.
It has been a year of staying with myself within the challenges, a way only made possible by being enveloped in spaciousness.
It has been a year of truly being me.
So much of this year has surprised me. So much has thrown my “plan” to the wayside. I’ve realized that everything that lead me to being here right now, has been needed to let me hear my deepest truths. Now is the time to really embrace these truths and break the last threads of conformity and striving that remain.
I have had to let go of a lot of what was not serving me, step by step by step moving away from what I thought I wanted and moving towards what the space has allowed me to realize I truly want.
I have been called to be more courageous than I ever thought possible and go to depths of myself that I never knew existed.
From a tangible perspective I’ve realized I want more connection locally and globally alongside my coaching and solo writing and creative pursuits. I’m an introvert but I’m sociable and fed by connection and collaboration.
I’ve realized how tough it can be running a business on your own in a rural area. I no longer want to do it alone and am looking at ways to work with others, whilst remaining true to myself. I want to step away from so much of the activity that goes with the online world and ground my true work in helpful reality.
I have fallen more and more in love with writing and know it will form a greater part of my future. I will no longer force it to look a certain way or put financial pressure upon it in the knowledge that there are pure words that need to pour out of me. I am ready to devote myself to them despite the compromises this will mean.
I have found a yet deeper level of love for my husband and son and a true sense of interdependence. Being a mother has not come easy to me and I am so much more accepting of how my kind of mothering looks. Blessed beyond words.
I have all at once fallen in love with this home and realized I can live without it. I know deeply that we are privileged to be the custodians of such an old soul and will always feel a sense of pride with bringing her back to life.
I now appreciate that I was searching for simplicity in the wrong places and I am committed to shifting my focus to find ways that bring simplicity in alignment with my true self.
I have accepted the imperfection of life, the compromises that come with it and the steps that need to be taken.
There will be changes in the year ahead. There will be courageous steps. There will be words sent from me to you and I hope, from you to me too.
But mostly there will be more and more and more of my true self and true work.