I’m human…..life is messy

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There’s a cycle that has repeated itself in my life, time and time again.

I’m walking with purpose and clarity. I’m feeling good. All is going well. I have energy and direction and I’m flowing. I’m living my life from home.

Then wham! Crash!

I find myself lost, overwhelmed, and far from home.

Each time I arrived at this place it instantly felt painfully uncomfortable. It felt intense, messy, desperate and totally unacceptable.

It was a place I knew well but never wished to be.

It was a place that ultimately created so much clarity but felt so messy.

It was a place that brought out the fight in me, yet I never ended victorious.

I could hardly sit with it and allow myself to stay there.

I kept thinking there was a way out, a way to say goodbye to this place forever, to fight fist and glove to a wondrous victory. I wanted this to be over now!

My natural reaction was to fight. To escape and never return again. This always involved hatching a plan and going into extreme ‘doing’ mode, busying myself and creating the illusion that all was well.

I attempted to distract myself through the numbing likes of mindless eating, internet surfing and doing emails. I became overly intense and analytical about everything.

What I know now is there’s no escape route. There’s no short cut. No secret back door.

As a child, I was never given the tools to deal with uncomfortable feelings. I was loved so much that self-soothing was taken away from me. I literally didn’t know how to do it. And this goes for many of us.

Pain. Sadness. Loss. Confusion. Grief. It’s all part of life. A healthy normal life. Why should I be any different? Why should I think I can control it? Yet I can experience it and be at home.

Now I sit with it.

I write about it as it is, not in a desperate attempt to find a solution.

I try to befriend it. I try to get to know it. Understand it. Own it as a part of me, equally as valid as the parts I see as ‘good’.

I try to accept it. Relax into it. Allow it to be.

This doesn’t mean the cycle doesn’t exist anymore. It does. There are things that come into my life that I would not choose. Of course there are, there always will be.

I’m human. Life is messy.

What’s different is that, most of the time, I experience them less intensely.

I try to remember they won’t last forever. I don’t run from them, deny them or fight them. I sit with them. I normalise them – and by doing so, I normalise myself and I know I will be ok.

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Michelle McCartan

Is a coach, a writer and leadership consultant. Her deeply compassionate approach to helping others unearth their true self and find their true work has touched the lives of hundreds of clients from all over the world, from CEOs and MDs to new and aspiring thought leaders, entrepreneurs, creatives, and new mums. She’s the author of two personal development books, The Journey of Me and Inspiration Quotient (INQ) and the co-founder of Wellineux. She is a certified Leadership Coach and qualified Holistic Health Coach. She brings her extensive professional expertise, her firsthand familiarity with her own personal challenges and journey home, and her flexible, empathic nature to her every engagement and interaction, so that every client she serves feels witnessed, seen, and honoured for who they innately are.